A short story…
Dear Hope,
I had another dream about you last night. It was so real. I held you in my arms and told you how much I love you. You smiled back at me and went fast asleep in my arms. I admired how beautiful and precious you were laying in my arms. I couldn’t believe how blue your eyes were, and you had the cutest smile. Your hair was a little curly even at your young age, and it was the prettiest shade of red I’ve ever seen.
You were the best thing that happened to me, and I couldn’t wait to wake up in the mornings or during the middle of the night to take care of you. You were only fussy when you were hungry, and you seem to sleep quite a bit. How I loved showing you off in the cutest outfits and little bows for your hair. I remember taking you outside in the stroller and looking up at the blue skies and feeling so lucky that I had you.
 |
Twelve years ago, I was expecting you. I remember when I took the pregnancy test, and it was positive. I actually took five tests that morning just to be sure! I couldn’t believe it! I even got in to see my doctor that afternoon to confirm (just in case) and yes it was true!
We had been trying for two years, and it finally happened. I didn’t want to tell your Daddy over the phone; I wanted to do something special to tell him. So, I made a dinner reservation at our favorite Italian restaurant. I had bought a card with a picture of a baby on it and wrote a note in it saying: Guess who is going to be a Daddy?
When he came home that night from work, I did my best to act normal. I told him that dinner was going to be at our favorite restaurant. I told him that it would be nice to have dinner out tonight since it was Friday. We hopped in the car and away we went.
We ordered the trio special: lasagna, chicken parmesan, and meatballs. I gave him the card before our main entrees came out. He was so excited and overjoyed that he was going to be a Dad! He hugged me and then yelled in the room: I’m going to be a Dad! Everyone congratulated us, and I remember thinking well so much for keeping it quiet till we tell our parents. But he was so excited and I cried watching his reaction.
After dinner, we called our parents. I come from a large family, and my Mom was so happy for us. His parents were overjoyed as well. That night, I started writing down a list of things I knew I was going to need, and the next day I started shopping for maternity clothes and clothes for you too.
During my second trimester with you, something happened. I wasn’t feeling well at all that particular Monday in May. I figured that maybe I was overworking too much. I was volunteering and working a full-time job; I thought maybe I should just lie down. I read a little in the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting to double check. I would just take a few moments and rest my body and my mind. Close my eyes and fall asleep, and it will be all -fine. I did just that, and I woke up later in pain. I was bleeding and then it got so much worse. I had to call for an ambulance.
I lost you, Hope.
I had to tell this to you. I had so much faith that you would happen that I would dream about you. I visualize you would be in my arms one day, and it was so overwhelming when I found out I was pregnant. I had prayed for a baby just like Sarah, Elizabeth, and other barren women in the Bible. Just like some women do today. They pray, believe, and hope it happens. I did all of that. Even though I never got to hold you, I did have this faith that one day I would hold you. I thought that one day I would be that Mom who brags about her little girl. I had imagined so many things that I would do when I became your Mom.
You see Hope you were so real. You were living at one time in me and then gone. Even though this is just a memory, you will always be mine…my Deanna Hope. Your first name is after a character, Deanna Troi, from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
We never were able to conceive again. I never got to have my rainbow baby. Like Maya Angelou once said, “Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.” That’s what I’ve trying to do since is to be a comfort to others in their dark days. I just finally felt like I could share my darkest day when I lost you.
Dear Hope, I want you to know that one day I will see you again. For right now, it’s only in my dreams.
Love,
Mom
*The Maya Angelou quote and the picture with blue sky with clouds are from Pinterest.